He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
