Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
