I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
