aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
