You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
