I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
