yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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