I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
