I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
