my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My dick has a subreddit
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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