I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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