Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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