bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
