my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Someone shattered a urinal.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
