bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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