the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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