Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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