I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
