I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
