I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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