Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We are two peas in an std pod
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
