hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
