Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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