So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
