my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
