i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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