he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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