I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
