some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
