i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
