I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
