So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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