The best revenge is premature balding
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
