totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
