I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
