i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
