I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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