YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
areolas are like halos for boobs.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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