you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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