chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
