Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
