P.S. I can't hear my feet
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
