Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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