im having a threesome with these popsicles
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
ttyl tear gas
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
