I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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