John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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