new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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