I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
