I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
this hospital has no fireball
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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