theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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