It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
