I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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