Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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