Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
