really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
