Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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